Reviews and Comments

Back in March, just two days before Nick was admitted to the hospital, I finished "You'd Better Not Die or I'll Kill You" by Jane Heller. How's that for timing? This book is part memoir, part self-help, and all about Heller's experiences as a caregiver for her husband, who has Crohn's disease and other health issues.

Heller's writing style appealed to me. She's straightforward and funny, which makes even the heavy topics feel a bit lighter. The book is structured around different themes like dealing with doctors, managing stress, and maintaining your own health and happiness. The author doesn't sugarcoat the difficulties, which I appreciated. She talks about the emotional toll caregiving can take, but also offers practical tips and resources that can help.

One chapter was about the importance of self-care. Heller emphasizes that caregivers need to take care of themselves to be able to take care of their loved ones. She shares her own struggles with this and how she eventually learned to prioritize her own well-being without feeling guilty.

"Remember, if you go down the drain, you're not going to be much good to the person you're caring for. So take a deep breath, put on your favorite music, and give yourself a break."

Another chapter discusses how friendships can change. I am "on call" around the clock. I have had to change or cancel plans so often that I'm disinclined to even make them anymore. I'm so afraid of having to disappoint or "flake out" on people that I prefer to do activities alone now. The book confirmed that friendships often suffer as caregiving causes a person's priorities and availability to change.

I've been taking care of Nick in some form or fashion for 20+ years, so I didn't walk away from the book with anything new or profound, but I did find it entertaining and validating. As the author shared her stories and those of other caregivers, it was affirming to see that I'm not alone and that it's okay to laugh.

"Will Grayson, Will Grayson" is a unique and engaging young adult novel that follows the lives of two teenage boys, both named Will Grayson, whose paths unexpectedly cross in Chicago. First published in 2010, the story alternates between the perspectives of the two Wills, each dealing with their own struggles—one with friendship and relationships, the other with depression and coming out as gay. Their meeting sets off a chain of events that lead to self-discovery, personal growth, and the realization of the importance of friendship and identity.

The primary themes in "Will Grayson, Will Grayson" include friendship, identity, and the complexities of teenage life. John Green and David Levithan bring their distinctive voices to each of the Will Graysons, making their characters deeply relatable and authentic. The alternating chapters provide a dynamic narrative structure that keeps the reader engaged. The book's pacing is brisk, with a good balance of humor, drama, and poignant moments. Although labeled as "young adult," the novel is neither simple nor immature. It is a fun, light read, with a somewhat predictable ending, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining.

I found this book both heartwarming and thought-provoking. The book tackles important social issues with humor and heart. The dual narrative style effectively highlights the distinct yet interconnected journeys of the two protagonists. A memorable moment for me was the high school musical production, which brought together the diverse cast of characters and underscored the book’s themes of acceptance and community. The portrayal of mental health struggles and LGBTQ+ issues was handled with sensitivity and realism, making it resonate deeply with me.

Probably the most fun quote from the book is when one of the protagonists finds themselves in a Chicago porn store: "It's kinda boring, actually. It looks like a regular store–shelves of DVDs and old VHS tapes and a rack of magazines, all under this harsh fluorescent glow. I mean, there ARE some differences from a regular video store, I guess, like (A) At the regular video store, very few of the DVDs have the words 'guzzling' or 'slut' in them, whereas here the opposite seems to be the case, and also (B) I'm pretty sure the regular video store doesn't have any devices used for spanking, whereas this place has several. Also, (C) There are very few items for sale at the regular video store that make you think, 'I have no earthly idea what that is supposed to do or where it is supposed to do it.'"

I'm way behind on my book updates. I finished this back in February.

Along with reading books about ADHD, I've also been seeking out titles that deal with anxieties around perfectionism. "I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't)" is a powerful exploration of the pervasive feelings of shame and the struggle for worthiness that many people experience. While not explicitly about perfectionism, the book delves into societal and self-imposed pressures that lead individuals to question their self-worth, offering insights on how to overcome these feelings. Brown combines personal anecdotes, extensive research, and practical advice to guide readers toward a more compassionate and authentic way of living.

Many of you are likely already familiar with Brené Brown: she is a nationally renowned speaker and has earned numerous awards for her research on shame, vulnerability, and self-worth. In this book, she provides a thorough examination of how shame manifests in our lives and how it can be countered through empathy and connection. Her writing style is accessible and engaging, making complex psychological concepts easy to understand. The book's pacing is steady, balancing personal stories, research findings, and actionable advice.

I took SO many notes from this book. Just a few that stood out to me…

"Most of us are one paycheck, one divorce, one drug-addicted kid, one mental health diagnosis, one serious illness, one sexual assault, one drinking binge, one night of unprotected sex, or one affair away from being 'those people'--the ones we don't trust, the ones we pity, the ones we don't let our children play with, the ones bad things happen to, the ones we don't want living next door."

"Merely letting go of unattainable goals makes us less susceptible to shame. When we believe 'we must be this' we ignore who or what we actually are, our capacity, and our limitations. We start from the image of perfection, and of course, from perfection there is nowhere to go but down. When we think, 'I want my parents to see me as the perfect daughter,' all we can do is fail. First, perfection is unattainable. Second, we can't control how people perceive us. Lastly, there is no way that we can do every single thing that is expected of us or that we expect of ourselves. ...When we give ourselves permission to be imperfect, when we find self-worth despite our imperfections, when we build connection networks that affirm and value us as imperfect beings, we are much more capable of change."

"The electronic community is less diverse than real life. The problems it deals with are not the problems real people face... People who are not visually interesting, which is most of us, are underrepresented. The stories that are selected are those that make money. A richness and complexity of real life disappears. In our culture, the fear and shame of being ordinary is very real... We seem to measure the value of people's contributions (and sometimes their entire lives) by their level of public recognition. In other words, worth is measured by fame and fortune. Our culture is quick to dismiss quiet, ordinary, hardworking men and women. In many instances, we equate ordinary with boring or, even more dangerous, ordinary has become synonymous with meaningless. ...If we are going to recognize and accept what makes us human, including our imperfections and less-than-extraordinary lives, we must embrace our vulnerabilities."

This book is a must-read for anyone who struggles with feelings of inadequacy or is interested in understanding the dynamics of shame and vulnerability. It's particularly suitable for fans of self-help and psychology, as well as those who appreciate a blend of personal narrative and academic research.

Squirrel!

I read this book because I thought it would be about ADHD. There's a bit of that in here, but the book covers the broader subject of distraction in general and how it affects relationships and friendships.

As I've been reading more about ADHD, it seems to me that not as many people have it as think they have it. According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH), 8.1% of adults in the U.S. aged 18 to 44 have ADHD, and 8.7% of adolescents aged 13 to 18 have it. And yet conversations and memes about ADHD pervade the Internet, the very source of most folks' distraction.

Distraction is part of everyone's daily life now; our culture coddles it. We are pummeled by ads daily. We carry around devices that are constantly pinging, buzzing, jingling, and vying for our attention for the most mundane, trivial things. Everything is treated with importance. Your mom just commented on your cousin's post! You need to be alerted! That guy you met once six years ago posted a photo of his lunch! See it now! Here's an e-mail about a special at that restaurant you thought looked cool but will never go to! With everything pulling for our attention constantly, it's no wonder we all think we have an attention-deficit problem.

(Also, "attention deficit disorder" is a bit of a misnomer, I've read. But that's a point for another time.)

"At the heart of the current context is what we call the modern paradox: never before has it been so easy to stay in touch with so many people electronically, but rarely has it seemed so difficult to maintain genuine human closeness. Our electronic world has simultaneously allowed us and forced upon us a kind of emotional insulation and isolation from one another. What started as convenience has turned into a kind of extraverted loneliness: our world produces a massive, daily exchange of dialogue and data while the people participating in it feel curiously alone."

I had a lightbulb moment when reading this book: real-life friendships and relationships are work. They require maintenance and investment–checking in on each other, conversations over coffee (real or virtual), small gestures of appreciation, etc. They require regular upkeep, to which our distracted brains reply, "BORING." Who wants to put in time and effort when we can just tap the "Like" button and move on to the next notification?

The book focuses on marriages, but honestly it has good tips for relationships/friendships in general. It provides practical strategies and techniques to overcome the challenges of modern life. The tips are definitely cheesy at times, but the authors acknowledge that and even advise using it to your advantage, e.g, poke fun at the scripts and tips together while performing them.

It's already April, and I've read at least seven books this year. But I haven't posted about any of them, so according to Internet rules, none of them count.

I started the year with "The Only Astrology Book You'll Ever Need." This really did turn out to be the only one I'll ever need, but probably not in the way the author intended.

Now, I don't believe the arrangements of stars have an impact on my daily life, but astrology is everywhere in pop culture. Whether you want to or not, you know your sun sign, and possibly your moon and rising signs. But what does it all mean? How does it all work? Astrology has been described as a combination of math and magic, which intrigued me.

My initial plan was to read this cover to cover, so I'd know anything and everything about the inner workings of astrology. Um, I would not recommend that plan. There are a lot of paragraphs dedicated to how each specific sign interacts with another specific sign, which is really boring to read about: "These two signs can have a strong foundation of trust and a mutual desire for freedom. They can understand each other's feelings and thoughts intuitively," blah blah blah. I'll admit, I skipped over a lot of that.

I got to the math behind astral charts. I learned about planetary aspects (conjunctions, sextiles, squares, trines, quincunxes, and oppositions), cardinal points, cusps, and houses. I also appreciated the chapter dedicated to the history of astrology, pointing to the fact that the stars have been studied by several ancient cultures, including the Egyptians, Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans. And I did enjoy the origin stories behind each of the zodiac signs.

But at the end of the day… it's all made up. It's a belief system, an ideology designed to help people understand and interpret the world around them. I found myself asking over and over, "But why?" WHY is a trine aspect more favorable than a square one? The answer seemed to be, it just is. WHY is Mars the planet of action, libido, and aggression? I understand that in mythology, Mars was the Roman god of rage, passion, destruction, and war. But what came first, the planet's name or its alleged influence? If the ancients had decided to name that planet "Pete," would that change its astrological qualities? Again, the answers weren't there. "It just is."

I'm still fascinated by planetary movements and patterns. But I don't need to read any more books about astrology. This was the only astrology book I'll ever need.