The Five Love Languages

I originally rated The Five Love Languages five stars, because I felt it gave my wife and me a starting point for discussing how we express and prefer to receive affection, and that was useful and helpful. From that viewpoint, I was excited about it, and thought it was great.

But after multiple discussions, I realize that The Five Love Languages lacks nuance. Several of the chapters seem to explain a particular love language very similarly, so it can be hard to pin down, exactly what constitutes an act of service, for example, over quality time.

Most frustrating is the lack of discussion about how people express more than one love language at a time. The book focuses on primary love languages as being the keys to open love in a relationship. I feel that the book fails to explain how people are complex. Someone may take the quiz online or in the back of the book and discover that their primary love language is acts of service, but it fails to adequately explain how a person may want affection through the other four languages at different times. I may score highly for words of affirmation, but I would not enjoy a relationship that did not offer gifts or acts of service from time to time.

I recall taking a leadership class that described the True Colors theory of personalities. The gist is that there are four colors that represent different personalities, or ways of interacting with people. While you may strongly identify with two sets of colors, most people operate within all four, depending on the situation. I appreciate this view of personality, it makes sense. This particular view doesn't presume a person will only act in his or her primary personality. It recognizes people as complex.

I feel that that lack of complexity, that simplification or insistence on focusing on a primary love language, weakens The Five Love Languages as a tool. By stating, over and over, that the best way to a person's heart is to learn their primary love language, misses an opportunity to provide a deeper understanding of love and communication in a relationship. It misses that to be truly successful, a relationships must work to speak love in multiple ways.

I understand that the point of the book is to simplify relationships. But I feel that it detracts from its own message, that it is a detriment to its stated goal. For providing a framework for discussing how you express love in a relationship, this book is good. For going much beyond that, I think it is a let-down , because it doesn't delve into the nuance.

That said, some advice offered in the book is frightening, such as expressing love in someone's primary love language when they seem to hate you. I think that's a recipe for disaster. Perhaps the author hasn't much experience with narcissistic personalities, but to me that sections screams out as catering to abusive and hurtful people. I wish the author had shown concern for people in potentially unhealthy relationships, instead of apparently condoning emotional abuse.

Overall, I'm glad that I read the book. It provided a useful starting point for many conversations with my spouse. But I recommend it with reservations: it presents a strong Christian heteronormative viewpoint, and offers poor advice for people in emotionally abusive relationships.