Untitled MI

1,5 stars

Beware: There are gonna be spoilers for everything and I'm gonna be ranting for the whole review.

First of all, this book had the potential to be a masterpiece but it shies away from going deeper than the most basic level.

Here's what I disliked the most:
- the whole Atlas story line. It's just completely unnecessary and even gives Ryle some kind of reasonable excuse to be jealous and blow up... And yes, Lily says sometime later that keeping memoribilias of an old boyfriend is no reason for Ryle to attack her, but still. The character Atlas only serves as a means to piss Ryle off... Lily and Atlas's past doesn't bring anything to the story at all. I especially hate that Atlas turns out to be the male saviour for the female main character. There are so many female characters and none of them really help Lily. Her best friend isn't very helpful because she's also the sister of the abuser (we don't really go into her emotional dilemma though). Her mom also can't really help because she herself never left her abuser and stayed with him until he died. It would have been much more impactful if Lily had another female character who really was there for her. Or if she made the decision with no help at all. (And knowing that CoHo's mother left her abusive husband without any support it makes it even harder for me to understand why CoHo made this choice. See, not every book has to be a romance)

- the mother overall. She's such an inconsistent character. After Lily tells her that Ryle abuses her the mother does a complete 180 and everything we thought about her becomes rewritten. Then Lily tells her mom how "strong" she is. That's another thing I really disliked. Women don't have to be strong. Nobody has to be strong at all. It's totally okay to be overwhelmed or "weak". It makes me really mad because it reads like people who are not "strong" enough to leave their abuser are at fault. I don't think that this interpretation was CoHo's intention... But in all honesty, I think she isn't a good enough writer to make that point clear. Again, she just never goes deep enough. She always shies away from things that could be controversial.

- the ages of the main characters. I think it's good that Lily is so young. But the story would have benefited from Ryle being a lot older than Lily (not just a couple of years). Like at least a 10 year age gap would have put him in an even more powerful position and made the abusive dynamics harder to decipher for Lily.

- the overall portrayal of domestic violence. Ryle is a perfect angel to Lily before he hits her for the first time. Yes, he has toxic tendencies from the very first page like raging on the roof top when they first meet or when he's constantly trying to talk Lily into having sex with him before they get together. But in the book, that's depicted as swoonworthy and not as an omen for future misbehaviour. Ryle's the perfect man up until he shoves her. And then things become super intense frome one second to the next. One second he hits her the next second he already sexually assaults her (at least he does so imo, I don't think CoHo wants us to think that it's nonconsensual in that first instance). It was really hard for me to believe that Lily wouldn't walk away from him right then and there. Not only does she already know that abuse never ends after the first blow, but Ryle also doesn't do enough to lure her back into his net imo. He doesn't do the usual tricks like blaming her for his violence (except for like a minute). He doesn't actively try to brain wash her into thinking that she's responsible for the abuse. He never talks down to her. He never tries to dismantle her self confidence. He never tries to make her feel small. He doesn't try to isolate her. Basically, Ryle isn't an evil abuser, he's a good abuser. He really loves Lily (at least CoHo wants us to believe that) because he realises he was in the wrong (after having a daughter) and doesn't try to get Lily back afterwards. During the relationship he doesn't try to cut her off from her family and friends. He's okay with her being an independant business woman. He never gaslights her into thinking that it's her fault he hit her. Telling her "you fell down the stairs etc." doesn't count imo because they both know it's not true. He never comes with the classic "hurting you is hurting me more than you" or something along those lines. After their split he doesn't try to turn Lily into the bad guy. He doesn't go around trying to paint her the villain, he doesn't try to get people on his side. He doesn't try to convince his family and friends that Lily is a delusional liar. Basically, everything that typicalle makes leaving an abusive relationship so hard is "conveniently" left out in this book. Not to mention, that leaving an abusive partner is often the most dangerous part. Just think of all the cases when abusive men kill their partners because they decided to leave them..

- too many excuses for the abuser. None of that rediculous "I shot my brother by accident when we were really young (I think he was 6 and his brother 9) and that's why I'm so messed up" crap. "I know he did it by accident. He can't control his emotions. He blacks out and goes into rage mode." Yes, of course, a lot of people (try to) find a lot of excuses for their abuser. But not once in this book does Lily realise that there just isn't a justifiable excuse for Ryle's violence. CoHo would have needed to adress that Ryle is indeed a bad person not just "a person who does bad things". He never tried to put in real work to better himself. Allegedly, he's been seeing a therapist for decades but he's never managed to control is anger... And still Lily lets him see their daughter (who can't even speak at that point) because he would never hurt his own flesh and blood? Excuse me?!

- Which takes us to the next point. What's the reason for women staying in abusive relationships according to this book? They simply love their abusers... Yeah, right. That might be one of the reasons but it certainly isn't the main reason most times and it's never a reason as simple as just love.

- Lily is the perfect victim. She never has to defend herself physically. She sometimes yells at Ryle (she's never the first to yell, though) but she never shoves or hits him back. Not even in self defense. She even wants him to have custody for their daughter. It's, again, too convenient. Once the victims physically defends themselves, it's basically over for them. Should they decide to go to the police or file for single costudy, it's basically impossible for them to prove that they are the victim. The abuser can turn it all around by saying it was a toxic relationship on both parts and that they equally hurt each other.

- the pregnancy. It's another needless story line. The daughter only serves the purpose of making Ryle realise that he was wrong... Why does he only have compassion for his daughter? Why does he need a daughter in order to discover basic human empathy? That line of thinking was problematic even in 2016.
And I don't understand that Lily even wants him to see his child when she knows how dangerous he is. She knows that she herself suffered from the abuse her mother had to go through. I know that CoHo's mother did the same thing. Apparently, she wanted her children to have an unladen relationship with their father. I don't mean to say that she made the wrong choice. CoHo says that was the right decision and I believe her. However, in the constellation of this book I can't bring myself to think that Lily made the right choice.. I'm glad it turned out so lucky for CoHo and her sister in that their father never laid a finger on them. But it's not always that way and I'm pretty sure that a person like Ryle would lash out on his kid.
And I hate how CoHo throws shade on mothers who don't want joint custody with an abuser. There are many cases in which it's actually harmful for children. There's a German nonfiction book called "Die stille Gewalt" ("The Silent Violence") that states that abusive men, for example, often use the right to see their children as a way to turn the kids against their mother and/or as a way to continue their abuse towards their victim. Like threatening the mother whenever they pick up the kids... The author, lawyer Asha Hedayati, claims that you simply cannot isolate violence against the mother from a man's ability to be a good father.
Just because CoHo got lucky in that sense doesn't give her the right to shit on mothers who have to go down a different path!
In short, "It Ends With Us" just doesn't have any nuance. It always goes down the easiest route and borderline harmful.

- And I know that this will be controversial... But I think that CoHo is too blinded by her own abusive father to really be able to write a novel about domestic violence that is impactful and has enough nuance. In the afterword CoHo praises her mother for never talking ill of her father even though he was abusive towards her. She praises her father for never hitting her or her sister. She gives him credit for regretting his actions. I do understand that family dynamics are really complicated. I understand that it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your own father can be both, the man who raises you and your siblings with love and compassion, and the man who hit his wife so hard he broke his knuckles. I understand that in this constellation, she didn't want to write Ryle as irredeemable. She probably thought it would do her father injustice if she outed Ryle as the monster he is... But to be fair, CoHo's father was sick. He was an alcoholic. Apperently, he later regretted his actions deeply. But in the book, Ryle's forgiven because of his childhood trauma. He gets all the sympathy without having to better himself. Overall, the afterword is too little too late to save this messy book.

- And lastly, why did this have to be a romance book? Don't tell me it isn't intended to be a romance. It's marketed as a romance. There's the second chance romance with Lily/Atlas. And the overall Lily/Ryle storyline is also written as a romance. It's a love story in which their love isn't strong enough to overcome the "difficulties" but it's presented as a love story, nonetheless. CoHo never questions Ryle's feelings for Lily. I know that CoHo is a romance writer but then she either should have changed the genre for this one or she should not have written the book at all...

Overall, I wouldn't go so far as saying that this book romanticises domestic violence. In my opinion, it is an oversimplification of abusive relationships, though. The story has no real depth and isn't as profound as it needs to be. It's too heavy on the romance and only scratches the surface in all other aspects.

IEWU gets the half star, though, because at least this book made some people understand that the question should never be: "Why do the victims stay?" but rather "Why do abusers hurt the victims?" (You won't find a satisfying answer in this novel, though.)