Too Bright to See

I don’t feel like a boy that everyone thinks is a girl. I just feel like an uncomfortable, misshapen, squishy humanoid. 

What a great book! This is probably my favorite middle grade novel ever (not that I read too many of them, admittedly), and I have a feeling it might be a very long time before another story comes along to knock it off the pedestal. Whyyyyy did I keep delaying reading it for so long???

I absolutely loved the descriptions of the haunted house and the whole concept of getting benevolently haunted by a deceased loved one who just wants you to be true to yourself and figure yourself out. It was so clever how the author took some of the popular ghost story tropes that are normally staples of horror and made them heartwarming instead. There's a lot to be said about the poignant depiction of grief, and not just Bug's, but also his Mom's. Around the middle of the book, there's a beautiful scene where Bug's Mom tells him about the five stages of grief. He starts naming them one by one, asking if she's on this stage or that, and she deflects and redirects the conversation just before he reaches depression. That was truly heart-clenching to read. I also loved that the grief, while very real, never felt too heavy somehow. Instead, there was always a kind of bright hope tinting it, an underlying understanding that Bug's uncle would want his family members to move on and thrive in his absence, and so that's what they're trying their best to do.

Bug was such a relatable character who constantly made me think back to when I was his age and to the experiences I had, especially with figuring out my gender. I never got that "Oh, that's my gender moment"—I stayed forever in the "shapeless squishy humanoid" spot and I'm very comfortable here at this point—but like, the dysphoria, the constant trying to fit into what a person of your assigned gender is probably supposed to be and never getting it despite all the effort while your friends just effortlessly *are*? All of this felt so viscerally relatable and made me feel so seen. It's such a pity I can't travel back in time and hand my pre-teen self this book, it would have made a world of difference to them. Oh, and also, Bug's habit of narrating his life as if it were a story to make it more livable, and how he let go of that habit once he became comfortable in his own skin? I thought I was the only one who constantly did that!

There's perhaps one tiny hiccup I had while reading, and it's an arguable one. On one hand, from the structural standpoint, the last few chapters felt kinda... drawn out? Tacked on? BUT! I wouldn't trade those several chapters FOR THE WORLD. They're THE BEST. They're basically just a string of coming-out scenes, and each of them is 100% transphobia-free and full of acceptance and validation. Each of them made me tear up in earnest, and I hate that there was that little voice at the dark, hurt back of my mind whispering that this was getting unrealistic, because nope. This can't be unrealistic. This should be the only acceptable version of reality, and I believe that one day, we'll all live in it and that books like this will help make it happen. Seriously, it was amazing to see so much acceptance, and to realize that none of the interpersonal problems Bug faced were in any way connected to his gender. Here, coming out as trans isn't seen as a problem by a single person. If anything, it's a solution.

So who cares about structural hiccups? The entire book is awesome.