Esther Perel: The state of affairs (2017)
319 pages
English language
Published Feb. 4, 2017
"Affairs, the author argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart--what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it: in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo--universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat--even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say …
"Affairs, the author argues, have a lot to teach us about the human heart--what we expect, what we think we want, and what we feel entitled to. They offer a unique window into our personal and cultural attitudes about love, lust, and commitment. Through examining illicit love from multiple angles, Perel invites readers into an honest, enlightened, and entertaining exploration of modern marriage in its many variations. An affair: it can rob a couple of their relationship, their happiness, their very identity. And yet, this extremely common human experience is so poorly understood. Adultery has existed since marriage was invented, and so too the prohibition against it: in fact, it has a tenacity that marriage can only envy. So what are we to make of this time-honored taboo--universally forbidden yet universally practiced? Why do people cheat--even those in happy marriages? Why does an affair hurt so much? When we say infidelity, what exactly do we mean? Do our romantic expectations of marriage set us up for betrayal? Is there such a thing as an affair-proof marriage? Is it possible to love more than one person at once? Can an affair ever help a marriage? Perel weaves real-life case stories with incisive psychological and cultural analysis in this fast-paced and compelling book. For the past ten years, Perel has traveled the globe and worked with hundreds of couples who have grappled with infidelity. Betrayal hurts, she writes, but it can be healed. An affair can even be the doorway to a new marriage--with the same person. With the right approach, couples can grow and learn from these tumultuous experiences, together or apart. Fiercely intelligent, The State of Affairs provides a daring framework for understanding the intricacies of love and desire. As Perel observes, "Love is messy; infidelity more so. But it is also a window, like no other, into the crevices of the human heart."--Publisher's website.
A guide for loving couples who are looking to renew sexual passion in their lives explains how societal taboos and ideals about domestic equality have compromised the healthy expression of eroticism in today's relationships.
I enjoyed how Esther Perel writes about this charged topic, doing it in such a way that keept me engaged throughout the book. She really helps one think about marriage, but gives us the opportunity to question the traditional ideas with maturity and insight.
Twice, early on, I almost abandoned it: the first few chapters seemed targeted toward what I can only refer to as Obliviots and my constant eyerolls were straining unaccustomed muscles. Each time I put the book down, though, I mused: this is Perel; she’s smarter than this. And I stuck with it, and she is, and I’m glad. Perel delivers again: The State of Affairs is insightful, informative, and compassionate. A little too unquestioning of the post-agriculture model for my taste, with not even token discussion of human social evolution, but I can understand and accept that.
Insightful: Perel raises thought-provoking issues about affair discovery, deliberate or not, in the smartphone age and the new forms of pain that come from TMI. She discusses changing social mores (only over the last century) and posits a reasonable-sounding hypothesis for why some modern people are so taken aback by discovering an infidelity …
Twice, early on, I almost abandoned it: the first few chapters seemed targeted toward what I can only refer to as Obliviots and my constant eyerolls were straining unaccustomed muscles. Each time I put the book down, though, I mused: this is Perel; she’s smarter than this. And I stuck with it, and she is, and I’m glad. Perel delivers again: The State of Affairs is insightful, informative, and compassionate. A little too unquestioning of the post-agriculture model for my taste, with not even token discussion of human social evolution, but I can understand and accept that.
Insightful: Perel raises thought-provoking issues about affair discovery, deliberate or not, in the smartphone age and the new forms of pain that come from TMI. She discusses changing social mores (only over the last century) and posits a reasonable-sounding hypothesis for why some modern people are so taken aback by discovering an infidelity in their relationship. She does so frankly, without judgment or condemnation.
Informative: infidelity has the curious trait of being highly explosive yet also frightfully dull: there’s the standard script with indignation, anger, vindictiveness, blah blah—so tedious. Perel, refreshingly, has little truck with that. She recommends instead a spirit of open inquiry, curiosity, generosity. You know, being human. Whatever the ultimate outcome, it makes for better people and relationships all around. Perel is also a fan of the ‘C’ word (hint: it rhymes with ‘bommunication’) and finds what I think are promising ways to encourage it in relationships where it’s been lacking.
Compassionate: Perel isn’t entirely judgment-free: she has little tolerance for cruelty or abuse, including the passive kinds, but otherwise she holds space for all parties involved... including the oft-ignored third. This is what ultimately sold me on the book and pushed it to four stars; this is why I’ll recommend the book even though I have no idea right now whom to recommend it to. Perel shows us our humanity in a way that our cultural habits often prevent us from seeing. She offers us a chance to break out of autopilot and develop better selves and better relationships.
(And finally, if you’re awake enough to ask: yes, she covers ethical nonmonogamy and gives it very fair coverage. It’s near the end, and guardedly shy of enthusiastic, but this is new and unwelcome territory for many people. She needed to build up to it.)
