TW: Molestation, assault, pedophilia, drug addiction
3.8

Sadie knows who killed her sister. She just doesn't know where to find him- but she can fix that. Place from place, lies stacked on lies, nothing can stop her from getting her revenge. Not the heart stopping memories. Not the equally dangerous people in her path. Not the idea that she might die.

Cards on the table, I had no idea what this book was about, beyond tracking down the main character's sister's killer, and I was not at all prepared for the horrifying amount of content about molestation. Had I known I probably wouldn't have picked this book up, and if I had, I would have at least been more prepared mentally for that sort of storyline. So it's hard for me to judge exactly how I feel about this book, since I spent most of it shell shocked.

It's hard for me to call anything about this book "enjoyable" but it's definitely therapeutic to watch a victim take control over their abuser. Sadie's sheer amount of pain, and anger, and righteousness is almost too hard to look directly at, yet it's impossible for it not to grab you by the chest. And the uncovering of more and more shady, dangerous people serves both as a terrible reminder of how many monsterous things are in the world, and help you feel some kind of victorious relief when you see Sadie make it through anyway and actually make an impact on the world.

Sadie's stutter is really interesting to me, both in the way that stutters interest me personally, and as a metaphor and example of Sadie's inability to fully communicate. Sadie's problems speaking up and problems speaking at all, both lend a feeling of suffocating isolation, and shape her into this cut off, desperate, wounded person. You understand Sadie, because you get all of her, and that includes her pain and her frustrations and the tiny bits of hope she allows herself, and you understand Sadie because there are moments you feel kind of like you are Sadie, as you watch her think through her decisions.

I have mixed feelings about the podcast, but having listened to parts of it on audiobook, I was blown away. I'm not personally a "true crime" fan, but I'm close to people who are, and I understand the draw, and this podcast hits that exactly. Also, I enjoy dark fiction podcasts, and this hit that exactly too. The production of the podcast is so well done that it actually does feel, for a few terrifying moments, that this is a story that has already happened. And, well, it has, hasn't it? In a million handfuls of different ways?

I won't spoil the ending, but I did like it. It's not the ending you're hoping for, and I was upset about it when I finished the book, but it's still a really well done ending. I read this book for my book club, and that ending led to some interesting discussion with a lot of very different theories for the post-book, which is what great endings tend to do.

My main complaint would actually be with the podcast portion. Though I loved the production of the audio, I didn't really enjoy reading the transcript, and I didn't think the back and forth of it was timed well. There is a jarring gap between Sadie's POV and the podcast, and it tripped me up while I was reading it. Had it been separated into two sections, or if they'd lined up perfectly, then maybe they would have worked better for me, but the way its laid out with almost a lag between the two, it detracted from my reading experience.

It's hard for me to say if I liked this book or not, but it's certainly a dark, gripping book, and a well written one.