(alcoholism/transmisogyny)

I do not even know where to begin with this one. Holy shit. Okay. Well.

Demographics for any wandering eyes who see this review and don’t know me, because knowing such things for certain impressions on certain books can matter quite a lot (sometimes): I’m a gay trans man in my late twenties whose only prior exposure to this franchise has been through cultural osmosis and seeing the first and last films when they came out (long story). Knowing one’s enemy can be quite the boon, hence my taking the time to read these books.

Here is the thing about Harry’s third adventure at Hogwarts; there isn’t a single lukewarm thing about it. There are parts I find brilliant and parts I find repulsive, with the only middle ground being that Quidditch match descriptions make for an excellent substitute for melatonin. I have never read a book this scattershot in its quality, hence the three-star score I settled on.

I guess I’ll separate this into a list of pros and cons. No need to listen to me rattle on for more than necessary, right?

PROS:

1. Lupin and Sirirus are men to swoon for. The babygirl barometer shattered when I first read about Lupin gently nodding off in the train upon his first appearance. And what's better than one hot man than two hot men who no doubt have and will know each other biblically?

2. While I won't go into explicit detail, the entire set-up and execution of the mystery at-hand provides exquisite payoff. I'm actually a little angry at how airtight it all is apart from Queen Terf forgetting about Lupin's affliction for September.

3. Trelawny is a really fun character, and I like how she's presented. I get the feeling that Jo doesn't like her from the way she's described in the narrative (put a pin in that), but that's okay, because whatever Faustrian deal she made to get this book as good as it is doesn't mean that I have to care what she thinks.

4. Harry seeing an apparitition of his father through himself at the end was well-done and very sweet. I also quite liked how well the Buckbeak execution scene was handled. Made some tears bead up even for my clogged-up eyes.

5. I actually kind of like the rules surrounding the Time-Turners. A three hour time limit makes for a really smart handicap, though I still think it was foolish for Jo to introduce time travel in the first place through something that is both easily produced and given out to schoolchildren.


What is good in this book is really good - like surprisingly good. It's leaps and bounds more impressive than either of the last two books.

However.

CONS:

1. The child abuse that parades itself at the beginning of each book thus far remains to be viscerally upsetting to sludge through. Doesn't help that the author hates fat people so much that she'll just have Aunt Marge spout out some of the most hateful dialogue I've ever read in a YA novel all the while Jo describes her as having a mustache. Get it? Because she's evil. Thanks, Jo. Nice to see your true colors as early as 1999.

2. Speaking of which, the internalized misogyny is at an all-time high here. Evil women are described with way more venom than the men. There's a syltherin girl described as being 'pug-faced' and Hermione, normally the beacon of respecting her teachers, hates Trelawny so deeply for no real discernable reason whatsoever apart from a small comment that Trelawny was well within her right to make (that experience can sometimes make for better learning than books).

3. Quiddich is boring

4. Hagrid is infuriating in this book. I'm sorry, you expect me to feel bad for a man who botches his first day on the job so badly that it results in one of his students getting a foot-long gash in his arm? And the wild thing is that Jo clearly wants me to root for him! All because Malfoy was the one who was injured! He literally bleeds all over the paddock and yet Harry scoffs at him for 'not really being injured' EXCUSE ME?

5. This gets its own slot despite also being about Hagrid, only because it's my least favorite scene in these books so far. There's a small part of one chapter where the kids meet Hagrid in his hut. He's clearly very drunk. Eventually, Hermione, who is, again, a thirteen year old child, has to be the one to gently tell Hagrid that he's 'had enough' and helps clean him up. It reads as Rowling attempting humor, but all I can picture is a child being forced to take on the burden of an alcoholic guardian. It's disgusting, honestly, especially since it continues on with Rowling's uncomfortable trend of using alcoholism as a punchline. The fact that Hogwarts, a campus primarily made up of 11-17 year olds, doesn't have any sort of prohibitory measures towards drugs is insane to me.

Okay, I'm out of steam. This took a lot out of me. Shout out to my trip sitter for these books, you know who you are, bestie. I'm gonna not spell check this and take a nap.