I have NEVER, in all my life read anything that is THIS appalling. It is COMPLETE AND UTTER BATWANK.

Now, I will state for the record that I never had any intention of reading this. I read it because I wanted to see just how bad it was.

Well, fuck me it's beyond rubbish, I wouldn't even wipe my arse with it. Here's why:

Anastasia is in her early twenties, she's a virgin, and she can orgasm more times than I have had hot dinners, OH and she's never masturbated. I realise this is fantasy fiction but please. Really? Really, really? No. Shut the fuck up.

But WAIT! Not only that, she has ZERO GAG REFLEX. She is SO good at oral her FIRST TIME, that she makes him blow his sweet manbatter within moments. ZERO GAG REFLEX. Yeah, right..

I'm not done yet.

As I read an eBook (which I usually loathe, because I am saddened that people favour the Kindle to books nowadays), I was able to count all the instances of the following phrases:

Oh no: 73
Cocks his/her head: 19
Holy shit: 54
Crap: 98
Jeez: 81
Holy fuck: 23
Oh my: 78.

The worst thing? Each time she says, "oh my", I get George Takei in my head saying it.

Additionally, it would be one thing to use "he cocked his head", or "he cocks his head" as a specific character quirk, but to use it across the board for most of the characters, really? She couldn't come up with different ways of saying something like that? Honestly?

I despair.

Erotic? Not even remotely. I could be the most sex starved person in existence, and I could not possibly find this erotic. I did not once, feel the urge to put myself in her position, and as someone who is a sex worker, I am profoundly open minded as to what might be considered erotic. This is absolutely not an erotic piece of 'prose'.

It is nothing short of a modern day Mills & Boon piece of tat, it is extremely badly written, and if you're in the unfortunate position of thinking this book is any good, then I feel bad for you, truly. What has gone wrong with your personal sexuality, that you think this dreadful dialogue is any good? Are you truly so bereft?

I certainly won't be reading the others.