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I'm reading The Blood Mirror by Brent Weeks, a story of magic, war, and love. I came across a passage that made me very frustrated with a couple characters' communication—or, rather, their lack of communication—with one another. This is the fourth book in the five-book Lightbringer series, so there's a lot of context to the passage; here's the important stuff:

The two characters in the passage are Kip and Tisis. The couple married hastily while fleeing their home from a common enemy. The two were friendly, but their marriage was a political gambit for survival and not for love. At the time, Kip had just come to realize that he was in love with his squadmate, Teia. In the first days of their marriage, Kip had confessed to Tisis that he had feelings for Teia, who had to stay behind when Kip and Tisis fled the capitol. Kip also assured Tisis that however he felt about Teia, he would never break his marital oaths. The reader knows that Kip is the sort of character who will keep that promise, and Tisis believes him, too.

Their marriage starts in a rocky place, but the two have been living and working together for months now. They make a good team, and they're coming to love one another. (Rather: they're already in love, but Kip has yet to fully accept his feelings.) Kip, a genius in intellect and in magic, is leading a guerrilla war against a much greater enemy in a land Tisis knows from her childhood. When he's working on intellectual problems, Kip keeps his hands busy by crafting a magical rope spear—a weapon he's never trained with, a weapon he won't know how to use when it's ready for combat.

Teia, a trained warrior like Kip, specializes in fighting with a rope spear.

Now we come to the passage that upset me. Take particular note of the paragraph I've highlighted with bold text.

“You did good there,” she said.

“Did I?” he asked.

“How could you even ask that?” she said. “You gave him every chance to come clean on his own, and then when he didn’t, you gave him the chance to give his brother a hero’s death.”

“But why?” Kip said.

“What do you mean?”

“Did I hold back until now because I didn’t want to force him to kill his brother, and lo and behold! here came an opportunity to avoid all that! Or did I, like my grandfather, keep Rónán off the table like a card to play at an opportune moment? Am I a good man, or just a fatter iteration of Andross Guile?”

She let part of that pass, though he saw the tightness in her jaw. “So you did something devious and brilliant and also callous. But it was also kind, and respectful, and life giving. What if, my lord husband, you are a man with not one nature, but two?”

“Two?”

“What if you were not only flesh, but also spirit, and those moments when you bring the two together are not failures, but are your moments of deepest integrity and brilliance?”

“You think I’m brilliant?” Kip asked.

“I can’t believe you still question it,” she said. “But the real question is, do you think you’re good?”

“No,” Kip said without hesitation. “Competent. Crazy stubborn. Cunning sometimes.”

She sighed and looked at the map. “What are you looking for?”

“Clarity,” he said. He thought about getting out the rope spear and working on it quietly for a few minutes or an hour to ease his mind. Young Garret had died in a raid and shattered his heirloom sea demon bone spear. Kip thought he’d figured out a way to make those bone fragments into the spine for the rope spear, which would give it some unique abilities.

But Tisis always got that aggrieved look on her face when he worked on the thing, like he wasn’t paying attention to her or something. He didn’t know what her problem was, but she seemed to hate the thing.

Anyway, it could stay in its bag for now. Enough time to take it out after Tisis went to bed.

She said nothing for a few minutes, then kissed his cheek. “You’ll not find clarity tonight, I think. Come to bed or you’ll stay up so late that it costs you the clarity you’ll need tomorrow.”

He followed her to the other side of the command tent. Their personal quarters consisted of a small area separated by a curtain, a chest to sit on, and a pile of blankets on the ground. There was barely room for the room slave Verity (a gift from Eirene that they had not been able to refuse) to stand with them, helping Tisis undress. “I’ll not be able to sleep,” Kip said.

Truth was, he wouldn’t mind some distraction before he went back to the maps. They hadn’t made love all day.

“You don’t need sleep tonight,” she said.

Well, that was promising, especially as Verity peeled away her dress.

But Tisis dismissed the slave and continued. “What you need is introspection and time. Come and rest on my breast.”

“Rest… after?” he asked.

“No.”

“Rest… first?” he asked.

“Only. Rest only. You wouldn’t lose yourself to pleasure tonight, or if you did, you’d feel guilty about doing so while Conn Arthur is out having one of the worst nights of his life.”

“Be nice to forget all that for a little while.”

“Tonight you need to think about brothers, and family, and what they mean. And that means thinking about what you didn’t have and don’t have and what you were cheated of and what you’re thankful for. I don’t want to help you avoid that hurt, Kip. I want to help you heal it.”

Kip lay his head in her lap as she stroked his hair, and then later upon her breast. He didn’t think. Though she’d expected him to think of family and of love, for the longest time, here in her softness and her strength, here with this family and this love, he didn’t think at all.

Kip made a commitment with his head and his mouth—and, by this point in the story, with his whole body—but he hasn't yet accepted that decision in his heart. He can't see that, and it's hurting Tisis. Tisis knows exactly why Kip's hands wander to that rope spear, even if Kip doesn't. Despite all she's given him, despite the promises he's made with words and actions, Kip hasn't given Tisis his whole heart.

That's fucked up, but Kip can't see it. Teia is on the other side of the sea. As far as he can see, Kip has been wholly faithful to Tisis. Does that excuse the pain he's causing her? No. But he doesn't even realize he's hurting his wife.

And Tisis won't tell him.

Now I know some readers are immediately going to take offense: You're blaming Tisis here?

No, I'm not blaming Tisis—not alone.

As far as I'm concerned, both Kip and Tisis are fucking up here. That's usually how these things go, right? In my experience, both partners have a hand in most problems in their relationship; and, importantly, it takes both partners working together to resolve those problems. Kip and Tisis are young, and their partnership is new. They're inexperienced in this new life they share. They're still learning how to be good partners.

Kip's making a mistake by holding on to something he should let go—something he would probably let go if only he could see that he was still holding onto it. Tisis's mistake is that she's not talking to Kip, not telling him that his attachment to his magical rope spear project hurts her, not telling him why. Sure, one can argue that Kip should have enough self-awareness to see what he's doing; it's true, even—Kip's a very intelligent young man, and he should be able to put the pieces together. But genius and all-around good guy that he is, Kip is still an imperfect human being. He has a blindspot.

I know Kip is being an obtuse ass, but it's Tisis's unwillingness to communicate that digs into the scars of my old life. It's so frustrating to know that this tension between Kip and Tisis would likely dissolve after just one honest conversation. If Tisis would only help Kip see himself, he would see the hurt he was causing; and, being the sort of person he is, Kip would face his heart, let go of his attachment, and commit himself wholly to Tisis just as he swore to do. They would grow together; they would be better to and for one another; and their partnership would become stronger, more resilient.

No matter how close we grow to another person, we can never know what's going on in their head and in their heart unless they express themselves. We have no reason to change hurtful behaviors if we don't know those behaviors are hurting our partners. Whether or not we should know is beside the point—if our partners would just express themselves, we would know.

I really want Kip's and Tisis's story to be a happy one. I hope they learn to talk to one another about what's really going on in their thoughts and feelings.

I am both excited and worried for Teia. Power of the sort that she's just been given makes monsters of zealots and egoists. Fortunately, Teia is neither; unfortunately, there are still so many ways that her new position could end very badly for her 😰

Oh! Also: I love what's growing between Kip and Tisis. Yes, I would have preferred Kip and Teia; but life can get in the way of love even in the best of times, and Kip and Teia are each going through their own life-or-death crucible at the moment. Kip's and Tisis's marriage was about survival for both of them, but that doesn't mean it can't also end up being something fucking great in its own right. I'm hoping that for them 🫶

Oh, holy fuck: the Black Prism 😳

It's easy to forget that Gavin was a slave owner, but being in his head as he interacts with Marissia is an uncomfortable reminder that he has his society's poison in his heart.

Kip's and Teia's first kiss! And it was sweet 🥰 Yay 🫶

Of course, being that this is book 3 of 5, I'mma guess things don't go great for the kids 💔