Review of 'Although of Course You End Up Becoming Yourself' on 'LibraryThing'
3 stars
Iâve also been surprised to find the towel of Barney, the purple dinosaur and befriender of children, subbing as a curtain in his bedroom, and the big poster of complaint singer Alanis Morissette on his wall.
If you were putting us in a comic book panel, youâd draw motion lines coming off my body. And thereâd be black scrunches over Davidâs head. Heâs been touring for two weeks, reading, signing, promoting. Heâs walking toward me over the clumps and vines of unsorted travel memories, signaling from behind the hurricane fence of someone whoâs become bewilderingly famous.
David Lipsky, writer for Rolling Stone Magazine, has been posted to hang around David Foster Wallace during a leg of his reading tour of "Infinite Jest", his 1079-page monster.This proved to be quite a workout for me as a reader, especially when one delves into the conversation; Wallace talks with and without pretentions, always with something to say and a rich vocabulary. Still, Wallace doesn't seem like somebody who tried to impress people.
(David is a Cosmopolitan subscriber; he says reading âIâve CheatedâShould I Tell?â a bunch of times a year is âfundamentally soothing to the nervous system.â)
This book was finished after Wallace committed suicide. This is beautifully written about
No medications had worked. In June, David tried to kill himself. Then he was back in the hospital. Doctors administered twelve courses of electroconvulsive therapy, a treatment that had always terrified David.
âTwelve,â his mother repeated. âSuch brutal treatments,â his father said. âAnd after this year of absolute hell for David,â his mother said, âthey decided to go back to the Nardil.â
Franzen, worried, flew to spend a week with David in July. David had dropped seventy pounds in a year.
âHe was thinner than Iâd ever seen him. There was a look in his eyes: terrified, terribly sad, and far away. Still, he was fun to be with, even at ten percent strength.â David could now make skinny jokes: heâd never before noticed, he said, âhow hard certain chairs in the house were.â
Franzen would sit with David in the living room, play with his dogs, the two would step outside while David lit a cigarette. âWe argued about stuff. He was doing his usual line about, âA dogâs mouth is practically a disinfectant, itâs so clean. Not like human saliva, dog saliva is marvelously germ-resistant.ââ When he left, David thanked him for coming. âI felt grateful he allowed me to be there,â Franzen told me.
Six weeks later, David asked his parents to fly west. The Nardil wasnât working; the great risk with taking time off an antidepressant. A patient departs, returns, and the medication has boarded its doors. David couldnât sleep. He was afraid to leave the house. He asked, âWhat if I meet one of my students?â His father said, âHe didnât want anyone to see him the way he was. It was just awful to see. If a student saw him, they would have put their arms around him and hugged him, Iâm sure.â
The Wallaces stayed ten days. David and his parents would get up at six in the morning and walk the dogs. They watched DVDs, talked. Sally cooked Davidâs favorite dishes, heavy comfort foodsâpot pies, casseroles, strawberries in cream. âWe kept telling him we were so glad he was alive,â his mother said. âBut my feeling is that, even then, he was leaving the planet. He just couldnât take it.â
One afternoon before they left, David was very upset. His mother sat on the floor beside him. âI just rubbed his arm. He said he was glad I was his mom. I told him it was an honor.â
In the middle of September, Karen left David alone with the dogs for a few hours. When she came home that night, he had hanged himself.
âI canât get that image out of my mind,â his sister told meâand said another smart, kind, impossible thing. âDavid and his dogs, and itâs dark. Iâm sure he kissed them on the mouth, and told them he was sorry.â
That is covered early in the book. It goes on with the book tour, and with describing how Wallace met Jonathan Franzen and made friends:
David met Jon Franzen in the most natural way for a writer; as a reader, as a fan. He mailed Franzen a nice letter about his first book, Franzen replied, they arranged a meet. And no David. This was right in the middle of the bleak period, when simple calendar stuff turned challenging.
âHe just flaked,â Jon recalled. âHe didnât show up. That was a fairly substance-filled period in his life.â By the middle part of the â90s, Franzen found an easy valuation for Davidâs company: âI would always use any opportunity to hang out with Dave.â
In 1995, banging together a big piece on the reasons for writing and reading, Franzen boarded a train for Connecticut and David. âWe met in a parking lot and we hung out for about three hours, just sitting on the edge of the parking lot. I kept saying, âI need quotes for the piece, I need quotes for the piece!ââ Itâs nice to imagine them there, these two writers who would someday write famous books, talking for hours among the fast-asleep cars and concrete dividers. What they decidedâDavid proposed itâwas that the point of books was to combat loneliness.
Then there are a lot of good one-line stuffs from Lipsky's and Wallace's conversations:
My tastes in reading lately have been way more realistic, because most experimental stuff is hellaciously unfun to read.
I enjoy reading, but it doesnât feel true at all. I read it as a relief from whatâs true. I read it as a relief from the fact that, I received five hundred thousand discrete bits of information today, of which maybe twenty-five are important. And how am I going to sort those out, you know?
Never put on antidepressants? Um, I was early on, I was for about two months in college. It was for something elseâoh no, I had terrible insomnia. And I didnât want to take Dalmane because I was drinking so much. So I told this long story, and they put me on something, they put me on a tricyclic. Which, I donât know how antidepressants are supposed to work, but this had the opposite effect for me. It made me feel like I was stoned and in hell. So, no, that was never an option.
Why he prefers crazy women; and feels heâs ended up with lots of crazy ones ⦠Psychotics, say what you want about them, tend to make the first move. Thatâs a great, great line. To tape Itâs about the women heâs dated. Because heâs shy. Break
Itâs very icy in the car. Weâre smoking out the sides, windows cracked, cold air leaking in. David calls it âour hypothermia smoking tour of the Midwest.â
More about his alcoholism:
Before we go into that, you do keep going back and forth on whether or not your drinking was something you couldnât control, or something that got out of control at a certain point. Nods to machine: wants to sound out his answer first OK. Break
With your drinking â¦
I would say yeah. Because, basically because I wasnât gettinâ any work done. And it wasnât helping me work. And it alsoâI was sick all the time. And so if by âout of controlâ you mean wanting to stop ⦠or realizing that once I started, I would always get to the point where I would get sickâand not being able to help that? Yes. If you mean, was I somebody walking, I was not somebody walking around with like a flask. It was not like The Lost Weekend. It was not theânor was it like any of the romantic writer-as-alcoholic-type thing.
It was just unpleasant?
It was unpleasant and wasteful. And I began to see more and more that I was doing it, that I wasnât doing it the way grown-ups do. Thereâs this guy named Schacht in the book whoâs sort ofâheâs kind of sketchy, because I didnât understand his mentality very well. But heâs supposed to be sort of the way a normal grown-up is. I mean, he uses stuff occasionally, to make a fundamentally OK life even better. You know? And thatâs like, for instance, how my parents are. My dad will have one gin and tonic before dinner. And he likes it. It makes him feel mildly good, loosens him up, helps him relax. I donât know about you, I was never like that. You know? I would drink ⦠I donât know that I ever had just one shot of Wild Turkey. Or one beer. I would have, like, twelve. You know? And then I would always feel shitty, and always pound my head and wonder why I did it. And then like a week later, Iâd do it again. Now, how long did that last? That period? Probably about a year and a half, or two years. Hereâs where it got scary to me. And I donât mind telling you about this. The scary thing to me was that ⦠I mean I was going through a lot of confusions about sort of writing, and art, and all this kind of stuff at the time. And I thought quitting drinking would help. It made things worse. I was more unhappy, more scared, more paralyzed when I quit drinking. And that scared me. And I think the period that I really consider a kind of darkâ WAITER: You guys still doing all right â¦? The period that I think you know about, where I went in on suicide watch, was months after I had stopped drinking.
On working as a security guard for a bunch of months:
And Iâd just walk under these fluorescent lights, twirling my baton, thinking about as little as possible. Did you think you were done then? Yeah. I was pretty sure life was over. This is after suicide watch is over? Bonnie told me when she came to visit McLean and saw him, the first thing she did was find a scissors so she could cut his hair, it looked so awful to her. Mm-hmm. That was actually a fairly grimâI think I was in McLeanâs for a total of eight days. And then, I was really there just mostly âcause I was scared I would do something stupid. And Iâd actually had a friend from high school, who tried to kill himself by sitting in a garage with the car runninâ. And what it turned out was, he didnât die, but it really, it fucked up his brain, sort of. It fucked up the affective part. So that he was in terrible pain apparently all the time. But like I was justâand I knew, that if anybody was fated to fuck up a suicide attempt, it was me.
Jack Palance scares me. I donât see anything with Jack Palance. You saw Shane? Yeah, thatâs why he scares me. Just those cheekbones, you know?
On proof-reading "Infinite Jest", the last bit says something about the length of the thing:
And then you had your sister copyedit the final part, the proofs. She isâmy mother is the best proofreader in the world, Amyâs second, and Iâm third, as far as Iâve seen. And um, paid Amy a dollar a page, and it was worth it. She bought a car.
On NPR, George Burns dead today. I wonder what George Burns died of: Maybe someone just dispatched him with a club, figuring that was the only way.Itâs more like, if you can think of times in your life that youâve treated people with extraordinary decency and love, and pure uninterested concern, just because they were valuable as human beings. The ability to do that with ourselves. To treat ourselves the way we would treat a really good, precious friend. Or a tiny child of ours that we absolutely loved more than life itself. And I think itâs probably possible to achieve that. I think part of the job weâre here for is to learn how to do it. Spits with mouthful voice into cup. I know that sounds a little pious.I remember hearing in New York, I forget who it was who was tellinâ this joke: What does a writer say after sex? Was it as good for me as it was for you?
All in all, the book is a collection of conversations. At times, far too heady and uninteresting for me, and at other times, wonderfully entertaining. Looking forward to the film that this is becoming in 2014.