Outofshapeworthlessloser: My Life on the Ice—and on the Edge

320 pages

Published by Crowb.

ISBN:: 978-0-593-44404-7

(1 review)

When Gracie Gold stepped onto center stage (or ice, rather) as America’s sweetheart at the 2014 Sochi Olympics, she instantly became the face of America’s most beloved winter sport. Beautiful, blonde, Midwestern, and media-trained, she was suddenly being written up everywhere from The New Yorker to Teen Vogue to People and baking cookies with Taylor Swift.

But little did the public know what Gracie was facing when the cameras were off. In 2017, she entered treatment for what was publicly announced as eating disorder and anxiety treatment, but what was, in reality, suicidal ideation. While Gracie’s public star was rising, her private life was falling apart: Cracks within her family were widening, her bulimia was getting worse, and she became a survivor of sexual assault. The pressure of training for years with demanding coaches and growing up in a household that accepted nothing less than gold had finally taken its …

When Gracie Gold stepped onto center stage (or ice, rather) as America’s sweetheart at the 2014 Sochi Olympics, she instantly became the face of America’s most beloved winter sport. Beautiful, blonde, Midwestern, and media-trained, she was suddenly being written up everywhere from The New Yorker to Teen Vogue to People and baking cookies with Taylor Swift.

But little did the public know what Gracie was facing when the cameras were off. In 2017, she entered treatment for what was publicly announced as eating disorder and anxiety treatment, but what was, in reality, suicidal ideation. While Gracie’s public star was rising, her private life was falling apart: Cracks within her family were widening, her bulimia was getting worse, and she became a survivor of sexual assault. The pressure of training for years with demanding coaches and growing up in a household that accepted nothing less than gold had finally taken its toll. As Gracie entered treatment, she was asked to cite only her eating disorder and anxiety in the announcement: suicidal ideation wasn’t “palatable.”

In Outofshapeworthlessloser, Gracie shares the less “palatable” parts of her life, revealing exclusive, and harrowing, details about her struggles: the battles with her family, her coaches, the powers-that-be at her federation, and the voice in her head that she calls “outofshapeworthlessloser.” Gracie’s memoir is not only a forceful reckoning from a world-class athlete, but also an intimate account of surviving as a young woman in a society that rewards appearances more than anything and demands perfection at all costs.

1 edition

WardenRed reviewed Outofshapeworthlessloser: My Life on the Ice—and on the Edge by Gracie Gold

None

5 stars

Dear Skating,
I am writing to you because I cannot decide if I hate you or if I love you.

In many ways, this was such a heartbreaking read, and not just because of the difficult subject matter that includes sexual assault, ED, mental illness, and suicidal ideation. It’s just, I used to be such a big fan of Gracie Gold, and of skating in general. I still think that it’s an incredibly beautiful sport, but over the years I’ve been learning more and more about what’s going on behind all the glamour and I’ve gradually kind of… stopped watching competitions. Part of it for sure was due to a bunch of my faves retiring, but also, I was just feeling more and more icky about enjoying the beauty that was created through such traumatizing toxicity. As if by enjoying the good parts I was becoming cmplicit in the bad …

Dear Skating,
I am writing to you because I cannot decide if I hate you or if I love you.

In many ways, this was such a heartbreaking read, and not just because of the difficult subject matter that includes sexual assault, ED, mental illness, and suicidal ideation. It’s just, I used to be such a big fan of Gracie Gold, and of skating in general. I still think that it’s an incredibly beautiful sport, but over the years I’ve been learning more and more about what’s going on behind all the glamour and I’ve gradually kind of… stopped watching competitions. Part of it for sure was due to a bunch of my faves retiring, but also, I was just feeling more and more icky about enjoying the beauty that was created through such traumatizing toxicity. As if by enjoying the good parts I was becoming cmplicit in the bad parts. Gracie’s memoir brought back a lot of those feelings and made me again wish to someday witness a healthier, kinder version of that sport.

I can’t imagine how much courage went into being so raw, honest, and vulnerable about these things, and that makes it hard for me to think about this memoir critically. I do feel like the first half or so was stronger than the second, and I feel that might be because that part speaks of the events Gracie has had time to process and gain perspective on. Whereas the parts focused on the last few years are more meandering and journal-like because it’s the part of her life she’s still living, or was living at the time of finishing the book. So there’s no distance and little in the way of honestly examining the events. Still, even those late parts were incredibly interesting to read, and it’s also the second half that includes some of my favorite vents. Most are figure skating-related, such as the musings on doping in the sport, but there’s also that one monologue about the types of moral support that are meant well but are actually often toxic and invalidating. You know, the kind of support that urges you to immediately focus on the positives and count all the silver linings when you’re smackdab in the middle of hurting after a painful failure. That entire part was so, so incredibly relatable and made me feel so seen.

Still, the first half is undeniably much stronger, and I love how compassionate and thoughtful Gracie is in her writing—toward herself, and also toward the people who surrounded her at various stages of her coming of age in the world of figure skating. Including the people who have hurt her, or haven’t helped her enough despite being in the position to do so. She pulled no punches, delving into all the things that harmed her about and around the sport, but then she went just as deep into the process of healing, and it made me so happy to see, page by page, how her struggles against her trauma and illness paid off. There’s really a lot of highly evident personal growth in here, lots of trying to make sense of the world that isn’t all black and white and searching for a way to be your best authentic self amidst it all. There were some conclusions and decisions depicted here that I can’t agree with (life stuff, not sports stuff), but for the most part, I found the book raw, relatable, and enlightening.