Anastasia (The Ringing Cedars Series, Book 1)

Did yu know that Siberian pines¹ ar like kettles? Humans put energy into them, and when there is enuf, they start making noise. No? Good, because they don’t. This is just some newage fantasy of the author without even any attempt of proof. Shows that the expression “yu can’t make this stuff up” is wrong. Yu can. The author just did.



Apparently some German right-wingers use this series as a reason to settle or homestead in thinly inhabited areas of north and north east Germany, so i wanted to check this out. The real question about these German settlers is how many of them are actual neonazis², and how many are just pro-patriarchy very conservative newage folks.

Anyway.

In chapter 2, the author assaults the eponimous profet, and she stops him with some sort of calming magic. Then, instead of warning the attacker – “be glad i didn’t kick yu in yur pine nuts” – we get “‘Please forgive me, Vladimir. Of course, you are right (…)’”.
WTF. That alone is enuf for ★☆☆☆☆, stop reading, set the book on fire.
“I seized her by the shoulders and gave her a shaking.”
“I felt like smashing this beautiful intellectual recluse’s face with all my might.”
The last two is when the woman the author has had a one-night stand with informs him that he will not be involved in her child’s³ upbringing. Pretty much proves her point.

But wait, there is more. Things not quite as bad.

This is just the author talking over the woman profet he found in the taiga. Here’s a tip: when yu want to start a new religion, listen to yur profet. But no – “‘Stop! Quiet!’” – he constantly cuts her off and hardly ever just sets down her words. Then again, that assumes that there was a real person named Anastasia, which, yeah well, i see no proof of that.

The newage stuff may sound harmles, but it’s not. For example yu ar not allowed to be grouchy in the morning, before yur first coffe⁴, at least not when yu are a woman: “The first thing (Anastasia) does upon waking is offer an exuberant outburst of joy to the rising Sun”. At face value that is just what Anastasia does, but yu can bet yur sweets that that becomes a law for people that follow these books. All the Good Things™ promist in the book did not happen? Must be because yu didn’t follow the rules strictly enuf. This is pretty much spellt out in the book: “According to Anastasia, it is because their thoughts are not pure enough. Nature and the animal world feel this.”

One question remains: Does an Anastasia shit in the woods? The author insists that she never bothers with gathering food or similar material concerns. She says the water of a pond is safe to drink. But what about e. coli and other bacteria in feces? How does she keep them away from her drinking water? If not, why didn’t the author, who supposedly drank out of said pond, get sick?

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¹Half of the book reads like an advertisment for Siberian pine products. Some of these rely on the Russian name “cedar” (кедр) being the same as that of the not closely related cedar of Lebanon.

²Looks like they have decided that Russians and other Slavic people are not sub-humans after all so they can now all be buddies. Shows how arbitrary racism is and always was.

³For some reason they both are convinced that she will become pregnant and give birth to a son specifically after that one-night stand.

⁴Ha ha, no, of course yu don’t actually get coffe. Just go out and graze a bit instead. No, seriosly, Anastasia is casually eating bits of grass while she walks thru the taiga.