You're Not Listening

Improve your effectiveness, relationships, empathy, and humility with one skill. This pairs well with the current trend of stillness, groundedness, and stoicism in the new age of tech affecting our attention and civil discourse. It's not the most entertaining read, nor the most researched, but I found it helpful in many areas. Curiosity, loneliness, debate, nuance, and identity were some of my noted topics.

The intro reminded me so much of [b:Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community|478|Bowling Alone The Collapse and Revival of American Community|Robert D. Putnam|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1424632781l/478.SY75.jpg|4743], as it touches on how lonely and disconnected we've become in our communities. It also reminded me of [b:Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking|8520610|Quiet The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking|Susan Cain|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1328562861l/8520610.SY75.jpg|13387396] when it covered topics like "giving the quiet ones a voice", neuro-syncing, and accommodating to sensitive types / different levels of preferred stimulation.

Some of the studies in this book I already knew and she misrepresents them to be about listening, which they were not, in particular the Project Aristotle found that turn taking in speak in high performance teams was an effect of high psychological safety and not a cause of high performing teams. Psycological saftey is about ability to take social risks, not listening.

This is just one of but this is a constant theme throughout the book. It reminds me a lot of the unlearning podcast, where regardless of what the story was it would end with "So you had to unlearn a lot for that" every single time, regardless of what happened.

The actual techniques you can use in this book are the exact same ones she derides rubbish that "let you avoid listening" in the second chapter, mirroring, eye contact, repeating what the person says back to them, finding what excites them.

She also constantly talks about how politics could be solved simply by listening. However if you listen to minorities that are being persecuted, both sides aren't talking in faith. A great example of this is the meme "Sealioning" from the Gamergate times, where someone will jump into a conversation with persistent requests for evidence or repeated questions, while maintaining a pretence of civility and sincerity.

A deeply frustrating book.