WardenRed reviewed Vanilla by Billy Merrell
None
3 stars
He kisses my cheek goodbye now, as if he’s afraid of kissing my mouth.
Well, this book sure made me feel things... except not the things I want to feel.
It does a really good job of portraying aphobia and the impact it has. Hunter and Vanilla's relationship reminded me a lot about my first meandering attempts at romance as a teen, and how I constantly felt the need to justify why I'm "not ready," and how "not being ready" was the only acceptable version of "probably won't ever want this at all, thanks for asking." How much I was forced to think about sex, even if it was in terms of avoiding/delaying it, when I didn't want to think about it at all. Those parts and those memories really hit hard.
I kept waiting for this to be openly acknowledged by the narrative, and then I almost stopped waiting …
He kisses my cheek goodbye now, as if he’s afraid of kissing my mouth.
Well, this book sure made me feel things... except not the things I want to feel.
It does a really good job of portraying aphobia and the impact it has. Hunter and Vanilla's relationship reminded me a lot about my first meandering attempts at romance as a teen, and how I constantly felt the need to justify why I'm "not ready," and how "not being ready" was the only acceptable version of "probably won't ever want this at all, thanks for asking." How much I was forced to think about sex, even if it was in terms of avoiding/delaying it, when I didn't want to think about it at all. Those parts and those memories really hit hard.
I kept waiting for this to be openly acknowledged by the narrative, and then I almost stopped waiting and honestly just skimmed big parts of the book despite the poetry being nice and all. In the end, it was like the narrative completely equalized Vanilla's experience of being subjected to aphobia with Hunter's experience of being an allosexual guy in love with an asexual guy and unable to have his needs met. And like, it sucks to be in love with someone who can't fully meet your needs, I can't argue that, but there's a difference between falling for someone with an incompatible orientation and being shamed and belittled and infantilized for who you are. There's a very big difference, and the book, I felt, pretty much fails to acknowledge it.
It could have been a nice, poignant story, if Hunter bothered to think more and educate himself and to listen to what Vanilla was actually saying, and if there was more communication. These guys started dating in middle school, before either of them started figuring out their feelings regarding sex, and then one of them turned out to be ace; this is an interesting premise that could have turned into a very important story, if it were handled sensitively and with more understanding of asexuality from the author. Alas, it wasn't.