You're a horrible person, but I like you

I thought this one was going to be funny, considering the wealth and breadth of the writers. These fictional Q&A's mostly aren't funny, which is sad. Also, a lot of the answers are written in the same style, which made me feel as though one person was responsible for writing the entire thing.

There were, however, some exceptions.

Samantha Bee

Dear Samantha: I was wondering if you could give me some investment advice. I’m about to retire and I’m a little freaked.
Leah Dawson Sarasota, FL

Dear Leah: I’m freaked for you. I’m so freaked I don’t even have any jokes. I was trying to think of a kind of jokey answer and then I just felt like a horrible person and I deleted it. I am really scared for you. Seriously scared. You are in serious trouble. I hope you’ve been hoarding conflict diamonds and Cipro, because you are about to enter the s-h-i-t, the Heart of Darkness. Take everything you ever thought you knew about investing and do the exact opposite. The currency of the future will be heirloom seeds, so good luck with that one. Panic. Learn how to field dress a wild pig and distill your urine into potable water. Most important, if you take anything away from this response at all, just know that the best thing for you to do is to exercise a lot and stay really sinewy, so that when the cannibals come they will not want to eat you. I should probably also mention that I just finished reading The Road. I don’t know if that makes a difference at all. Samantha

Dear Amy: How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street who smell horrible but you know they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?
Courtney Ivo Chicago, IL

Dear Courtney: Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised at how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue? Amy

I thought this one was going to be funny, considering the wealth and breadth of the writers. These fictional Q&A's mostly aren't funny, which is sad. Also, a lot of the answers are written in the same style, which made me feel as though one person was responsible for writing the entire thing.

There were, however, some exceptions.

Samantha Bee

Dear Samantha: I was wondering if you could give me some investment advice. I’m about to retire and I’m a little freaked.
Leah Dawson Sarasota, FL

Dear Leah: I’m freaked for you. I’m so freaked I don’t even have any jokes. I was trying to think of a kind of jokey answer and then I just felt like a horrible person and I deleted it. I am really scared for you. Seriously scared. You are in serious trouble. I hope you’ve been hoarding conflict diamonds and Cipro, because you are about to enter the s-h-i-t, the Heart of Darkness. Take everything you ever thought you knew about investing and do the exact opposite. The currency of the future will be heirloom seeds, so good luck with that one. Panic. Learn how to field dress a wild pig and distill your urine into potable water. Most important, if you take anything away from this response at all, just know that the best thing for you to do is to exercise a lot and stay really sinewy, so that when the cannibals come they will not want to eat you. I should probably also mention that I just finished reading The Road. I don’t know if that makes a difference at all. Samantha

Dear Amy: How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street who smell horrible but you know they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?
Courtney Ivo Chicago, IL

Dear Courtney: Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised at how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue? Amy

I thought this one was going to be funny, considering the wealth and breadth of the writers. These fictional Q&A's mostly aren't funny, which is sad. Also, a lot of the answers are written in the same style, which made me feel as though one person was responsible for writing the entire thing.

There were, however, some exceptions.

Samantha Bee

Dear Samantha: I was wondering if you could give me some investment advice. I’m about to retire and I’m a little freaked.
Leah Dawson Sarasota, FL

Dear Leah: I’m freaked for you. I’m so freaked I don’t even have any jokes. I was trying to think of a kind of jokey answer and then I just felt like a horrible person and I deleted it. I am really scared for you. Seriously scared. You are in serious trouble. I hope you’ve been hoarding conflict diamonds and Cipro, because you are about to enter the s-h-i-t, the Heart of Darkness. Take everything you ever thought you knew about investing and do the exact opposite. The currency of the future will be heirloom seeds, so good luck with that one. Panic. Learn how to field dress a wild pig and distill your urine into potable water. Most important, if you take anything away from this response at all, just know that the best thing for you to do is to exercise a lot and stay really sinewy, so that when the cannibals come they will not want to eat you. I should probably also mention that I just finished reading The Road. I don’t know if that makes a difference at all. Samantha

Dear Amy: How should somebody go about bathing themselves? There are people on the street who smell horrible but you know they must shower. Is there some special inside thing we get that they don’t?
Courtney Ivo Chicago, IL

Dear Courtney: Take a visit to your local animal shelter and pick up any random cat. Now take a deep whiff. Pretty sweet, right? It’s called a tongue bath, and it’s not just for felines anymore. In this fast-paced world, you’d be surprised at how many people are taking advantage of this superior and convenient form of bathing. But from the self-righteous tone of your letter, I can only assume that you aren’t one of them. For shame, Courtney. Why are you so afraid of your own tongue? Amy