I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie

I admit: I only read the reviews of films that I've seen, which amounted to something like a fourth of these. Those that I read, however, I mostly liked.

In the preface, Ebert confesses to having been mean and harsh in some instances. Anyway, it's sheer fun:

Armageddon (Directed by Michael Bay; starring Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck; 1998) Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. Armageddon is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any thirty seconds at random, and you’d have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.

The plot involves . . . excuse me for a moment, while I laugh uncontrollably at having written the words “the plot involves.” I’m back.

There is one other thing I can’t believe about Jaws the Revenge, and that is that on March 30, 1987, Michael Caine passed up his chance to accept his Academy Award in person because of his commitment to this movie. Why? Well, as the marine biologist in the movie explains, if you don’t go right back in the water after something terrible happens to you, you might be too afraid to ever go back in again. Maybe Caine was thinking that if he ever left the set, he could never bring himself to return.

Look Who’s Talking Now (Directed by Tom Ropelewski; starring John Travolta, Kirstie Alley; 1993) Look Who’s Talking Now is a fairly misleading title for those who paid attention during English class, since the talkers are dogs, and so the title of course should be Look What’s Talking Now. Anyone who paid attention during English will also find innumerable other distressing elements in the film, including what teachers used to call “lack of originality and aptness of thought.”

I admit: I only read the reviews of films that I've seen, which amounted to something like a fourth of these. Those that I read, however, I mostly liked.

In the preface, Ebert confesses to having been mean and harsh in some instances. Anyway, it's sheer fun:

Armageddon (Directed by Michael Bay; starring Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck; 1998) Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. Armageddon is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any thirty seconds at random, and you’d have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.

The plot involves . . . excuse me for a moment, while I laugh uncontrollably at having written the words “the plot involves.” I’m back.

There is one other thing I can’t believe about Jaws the Revenge, and that is that on March 30, 1987, Michael Caine passed up his chance to accept his Academy Award in person because of his commitment to this movie. Why? Well, as the marine biologist in the movie explains, if you don’t go right back in the water after something terrible happens to you, you might be too afraid to ever go back in again. Maybe Caine was thinking that if he ever left the set, he could never bring himself to return.

Look Who’s Talking Now (Directed by Tom Ropelewski; starring John Travolta, Kirstie Alley; 1993) Look Who’s Talking Now is a fairly misleading title for those who paid attention during English class, since the talkers are dogs, and so the title of course should be Look What’s Talking Now. Anyone who paid attention during English will also find innumerable other distressing elements in the film, including what teachers used to call “lack of originality and aptness of thought.”

I admit: I only read the reviews of films that I've seen, which amounted to something like a fourth of these. Those that I read, however, I mostly liked.

In the preface, Ebert confesses to having been mean and harsh in some instances. Anyway, it's sheer fun:

Armageddon (Directed by Michael Bay; starring Bruce Willis, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck; 1998) Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. Armageddon is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any thirty seconds at random, and you’d have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense, and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.

The plot involves . . . excuse me for a moment, while I laugh uncontrollably at having written the words “the plot involves.” I’m back.

There is one other thing I can’t believe about Jaws the Revenge, and that is that on March 30, 1987, Michael Caine passed up his chance to accept his Academy Award in person because of his commitment to this movie. Why? Well, as the marine biologist in the movie explains, if you don’t go right back in the water after something terrible happens to you, you might be too afraid to ever go back in again. Maybe Caine was thinking that if he ever left the set, he could never bring himself to return.

Look Who’s Talking Now (Directed by Tom Ropelewski; starring John Travolta, Kirstie Alley; 1993) Look Who’s Talking Now is a fairly misleading title for those who paid attention during English class, since the talkers are dogs, and so the title of course should be Look What’s Talking Now. Anyone who paid attention during English will also find innumerable other distressing elements in the film, including what teachers used to call “lack of originality and aptness of thought.”