I had force myself through the first read and then immediately went back to read it a second time. Did I learn anything about the narrative the second time 'round, or get to look on the mysteries as one who knows the answers? Absolutely not. That is what makes this book so masterful. It's dizzying. It is difficult to read because the Golyadkin is a bit mad, going fully insane. He repeats himself, contradicts himself, and tries to explain things that even if you read them 5 times, would never really make perfect sense. That makes it a bit of an exhausting read, but it is so very worth it.

The genius here is not that it has a twist reveal- it doesn't. It isn't that it doesn't provide answers to small mysteries imbedded in an otherwise sensical narrative- the whole narrative is potentially nonsensical so no mystery is small. Every time you think "Ah, here is a moment that confirms what reality is" you find yourself realizing that is not the case. Golyadkin sees hostility when there is polite neutrality or even kindness, sees kindness where there is cruelty, but even we the reader cannot always tell which is which. No moment of the book feels particularly weak, but the best moments are absolutely incredible. The book runs on dream logic and time. Some things happen too quickly, some too slowly. Sometimes you will make a mental list of what might be happening only to find out it doesn't matter, or ignore something that winds up coming back up as important. You are carried along with Golyadkin. He is not simply an unreliable narrator whose account we can adjust toward truth by understanding his perception and agenda. No such thing is possible here.

You can say quite a lot about what Dostoevsky thinks about Petersburg society. You can say quite a lot about how Golyadkin sees himself, presents himself, and sees others. You can say a lot about what might have saved him or damned him. You can decide what that means for morality, obligation. You cannot really say what, exactly, has occurred in reality in this book. Unlike many cute-twist or shock value madness narratives, what actually occurs is completely beside the point of what Dostoevsky is saying about people or his characters. But the dizzying mystery of it makes the read compelling the first go round, then we can pay attention to what it means the second time. At no point, however, will you really know what happened. Beautiful.