@mattcen It's a safe, low risk way to identify someone's boundaries and interests. You can see a lot from the way someone reacts to a question, in their tone or body language. Then they also have a chance to signal things to you, like if they make self deprecating joke, they show they don't need to have their ego stroked. Does that help?

@smarthall @mattcen@bookwyrm.social A little! I think that’s probably been challenging for me in the past due to neurodivergent challenges in interpreting body language and other related subtleties!

@mattcen @mattcen@bookwyrm.social oh yeah of course! Body language can be super hard to interpret. But it's not all body language. I use a lot of humour in my small talk, to signal that I appreciate a good joke, and I'll laugh at any joke someone I just met makes to set them up with positive feedback to point them in the right direction.

@smarthall @mattcen@bookwyrm.social Your explanation, though, fits right in with the bullet point immediately below the one I quoted:
“Small talk is a less risky way to connect. Sharing details about ourselves can put us at emotional and physical risk. It’s safer to stick to small talk until we get a sense of who someone is.”

@mattcen this kind of stuff i think is why neurodivergent folk end up clustering - i used to get really confused and upset about why some friendships just didn't seem capable of happening for me until i looked around at all the cool, interesting ND folks i'd made really close friends with and was like "oh"

@mattcen i kind of think of smalltalk as the tcp handshake for neurotypicals now

@ec0 @mattcen@bookwyrm.social Ooh what a metaphor!

@mattcen it's not their fault neuromilds like each other based on how they ask about the weather, rather than values/core beliefs/common interests. 🙃

@dtbell91 @mattcen@bookwyrm.social You're right, I shouldn't judge! 😂

@mattcen@bookwyrm.social @mattcen@aus.social for me a lot of this is pretty abstract. Are we able to have a good banter? Do we manage to get a good flow with a give-and-take when we talk? Are we able to laugh together? Are they socially “easy”, are they good with people? I can be interested in people without having this, but a lot of these things are things that I find attractive and that I want in my life.