Come As You Are

As far as books that contain things I mostly know, this one was great. I think most of the ideas had already trickled to me through sex educator youtubes I watch. But I did not remember them in detail. And some of them are such that it's worth learning about them again and again in different contexts of your life. This book delivers really nice theoretical explanations along with ample examples of what it might look like in real life. Best way to impart science (or at least science based theories). The one thing I knew least about and might look to follow up on was the stress cycle. After finishing it I got the feeling that I want to make everyone read this book. And hopefully I will read it again.

Edit: I read it again, the next month. I love this book. It feels strangely personal, because a lot of the ideas in the book I have figured out either on my own or by hearing others retell the same research, or even this book in particular. And this lends credence to the few things I haven't yet figured out (like the stress response cycle thing). Thinking more on who I want to read this book, it's mostly my guy friends, because that feels like opportunity to let them see into my experience. But I'm also dubious if they'll have as much fun reading the book, because they might not relate to it so much as I did. I think this is my favorite sex ed book ever.

Edit: The book came out in Latvian and I gifted it to a few women and re-listened again to remember why I was so hyped about this book. I was more annoyed by some stylistic choices than the first few listens ("this book will..." no, it probably wont, for one I'm re-reading it, but even the first time it didn't entirely; "all you have learned about this is wrong" no, it isn't seeing how a lot of what I learned about "this" is from you in the first place; also piano background making the last parts of the book all sound like it's the end of the book and messing up my attention to it, another reason to maybe want a paper copy for myself) , but overall, still my favourite sex ed book, would recommend. Also, maybe I want one paper translation for myself just to see how some things were translated.

If you read only one book on human sexuality, make it Come as You Are. This isn't your standard sex book. There are no promises here that learning one trick will drive you or your lover wild. But there is a lot of science, presented in an approachable manner, that provides great insight into how people work sexually (and, to be honest, in general as well). The book's stated audience is women, but I think anyone can benefit from the science that Nagoski covers in her book, regardless of sex. Sure, if you are a guy you'll read some things that don't directly apply to you, but I recommend you read this book anyway. It is that important.

Why? Because what this book teaches you is immently important to your health, your sexual well being, and just general understanding of how you, and those you are intimate with, work. For instance, Nagoski's discussion of the dual control model, or the "brakes" and "accelerator" of arousal, provides an understanding of people can have a different level of arousal for similar events.

Nagoski also talks about how stress impacts your arousability, and how stress can affect level of arousal differently for people (some people more aroused, others much less). She discusses how stress worked in the past for humans (when running from lions, for instance), and how we no longer allow stress ourselves to complete the full stress cycle. This discussion of how we, as a society, don't allow stress to complete the cycle is important, regardless of how it affects your sex life. I thought her point of how our method of dealing with stress is to avoid stressors, when it would be much healthier to learn to allow the stress cycle to complete, spot-on and more sensible than the common advice to avoid stress.

One important item the book covers is genital nonconcordance, or how the brain and genitals can react two very different ways to the same stimulus at the same instant. I'd argue that it is important not only for couples to understand that, but individuals, both men and women, and for society at large. Why? Because we have this assumption that the genitals are the best, or the only way, to determine if someone is turned on, and it has dangerous repercussions in our society.

I'd love to point to any particular section and say that it is the most important section. But I can't. Nagoski has provided a whole book full of facts, research, and understanding that makes it impossible to say any one part is more important. The whole book is important. I doubt you'll get through the book without wondering, "why haven't I learned this before?"

Why haven't I learned this before? Because no one told us. But Ms. Nagoski has, in an very approachable, and very readable book. Please, consider purchasing it, and highlighting it. Mark it up and dog-ear it. I honestly think that this book is that important to your, your health, and that of our society at large.