Lean In

I thought this book was beneath me: I could give an hour lecture on the problems facing the women's right movement today; this book was for women who didn't even know that they're feminists.

For years, as a woman doctor, I shied away from Women in Medicine groups, because having been a female computer scientist and facing the very overt sexism that occurs in the C.S. world, I thought that there was nothing to complain about in medicine. But the further I got in medicine, especially once I had my daughter, I realize all of the subtle ways that its there: the encouragement to leave before you leave; the lack of high-powered female mentors, and the overall relative dearth of women in leadership and highly academic positions. So I joined a national committee on women in medicine and science and at the same time I read this book.

And it's amazing. Sheryl Sandberg gives easy language for the problems I know we face: "sit at the table" for the confidence issues that professional women have; "lean in" and "don't leave before you leave" for the self-selection that occurs. She talks about the seductive message the feminism's work is done that leads to increasing amounts of this subversive sexism (which is the temporal equivalent of the same illusion I fell under switch from C.S. to medicine.) She addresses the hard issues: the linguist quirks that make women seem less confident and the social norms that prevent women from being assertive, both of which put women into a damned if you do/damned if you don't position.

But this is not just a book on contextualization. Sandberg gives concrete advice to women that is useful for women in all fields. She focuses on helping women become top business officers, but its helpful advice to anyone. And she does this without ignoring the importance of being a parent for women who want to parent -- and I think this part gets lost among the rhetoric for a lot of people. One of my close friends hates this book, because she says that Sandberg doesn't believe in the importance of mothering, but that's not a correct assertion. Sandberg spends many pages talking about how she decided to take from 5:30-bedtime off from work (offline, off everything) almost all nights because that's what's right for her family. She talks about a woman who joined the Biden administration but on the condition that she goes home for dinner every single night. This is advice on how to set your priorities and then make them happen -- dropping the hysteria that comes from assuming that in order to be successful, you have to make sacrifices on someone else's terms.

Sandberg makes it clear that you can't "have it all," but you can choose what you get to have, and I think that's the best message possible.

I wanted to like this book. Actually, I wanted to love this book. But I didn't. I am all for more women in leadership. I love my job and feel businesses need to continue to cultivate diversity in all areas, including diversity of thought. I am a wife, and mother, and have been in leadership my entire career, so I thought this book would be amazing and inspirational. I hoped it would be one I could recommend to my peers. Unfortunately...

This book showed me that I think, and often act, like the men Sheryl Sandberg has worked with throughout her career. Rarely did any of her stories or perspectives resonate with me. I would read her anecdote, pause, and think, "Huh. Do most women in business feel that way? I have never had that thought." Or, "I can't believe that was her reaction. I would have lost respect for her in that moment." If most women have similar thoughts, feelings, and reactions, it's no surprise that they struggle to achieve high levels of leadership success.

On the flip side, it did help me gain perspective on how some of my female peers might feel in the workplace. I can possibly use this to encourage differently, or help other women leaders work through some of their career stallers and provide an alternate point of view.

Overall, too much hype and a let-down for me. Men, if you read this book, do not assume every woman feels, thinks, or acts this way. Please and thank you.

TL:DR--I might be a man. Or Sheryl Sandberg is a big baby.

This is a book I'd recommend to any man who manages or works with women, or who would like men to have an equal chance to stay home and care for the children. It's also a book I'd recommend to any woman, whether she's a working professional or a stay at home mother, or trying to mix the two. It's not a book that attempts to lay the blame on anyone, but it tries to objectively discuss why we are in a society where women are not achieving equal numbers in management AND why men are not achieving equal numbers caring for children. There's a lot of careful reference to research on unconscious bias, and how it affects (often negatively) both men and women. Watch Sandberg's 2010 TED talk and you'll get an idea of the general tone of the book, and this book was prompted by all the responses she got from that and similar talks. The book goes into a lot more depth and examines a much wider range of research in related areas. I listened to this as an audio book and found it a fascinating examination of a very difficult subject area: gender inequality and how both men and women suffer from it in different ways, how both men and women perpetrate it often without even realizing, and some ideas on how we can try to change that so both benefit. Does it have all the answers? No, of course not. But it's a good overview of a lot of the studies on the topic and I would really like to see it widely read by anyone (male or female) in a management position, or conflicted about whether to pursue a career or childrearing role.