Lucky

First: I appreciate the candour of the author in detailing a really painful process that is often treated by the mainstream media as being simple. We see the ease at which rapists on Law and Order: SVU get sent to prison and receive the sentences they deserve; instead, the reality is that the overwhelming majority do not, as Alice's did, receive time in prison at all and their records rarely scar their future as the rape does for survivors. They are not marked as rapists (or even abusers), but we are marked as rape victims for the rest of our lives, especially if we go on record and attempt to get any form of justice for ourselves.

I appreciate that she was able to get through the legal process and find justice for herself, especially considering how intentionally difficult it was (and still is).

In that respect, that is what I liked about the book.

The things I was not a fan of: the focus on Stranger Danger, the focus on virginity, the focus of Alice on herself while being supportive of Lila during her rape, and the extended courtroom scene.

Regarding the Stranger Danger aspect: The two rapes that are focused on in the book are the least common form of rape in the United States, where the majority of rapes are committed by perpetrators who already know their victims in some form. This is part of why it is so difficult for the majority of rapes to be convicted. On top of the sexism (and sometimes racism) of our legal system, people just don't believe that people can be raped by individuals they know (friends, families, members of groups). Knowing and working with the men I do, I'm more than aware that these kinds of Stranger Danger stories stick out to them and are the "real truth" because they can't admit that they might have behaviours supported and encouraged by the varying forms of rape culture in this world.

As a result, those of us who experience this most common form of rape are the most doubted. It makes me wonder: With the estimated rate of women being raped annually in the US at 58%, how many of Alice's friends had been raped during her time in Syracuse that she wasn't aware of because it wasn't a stranger and because those rapes are harder to get legal action for? I mean, she vaguely talks about some Don Quixote-loving bloke who sounds like the kind of guy who probably coerced a number of girls and women into sleeping with him but barely even touches on the kind of personality he had in retrospect. I got the same vibes out of some of the other men who she was 'interested in', in particular the first guy she had slept with after the rape happened (Jamie), who gave her multiple ultimatums during that particular night.

There was also the focus on the party that she and a boyfriend threw, which started getting out of hand. She was protecting an overly drunken Mary Alice from a potential danger of being raped by a stranger; that point is made clear, especially with the description of the boys surrounding her like dogs. Yes, this is a thing that happens and isn't at all uncommon; yes, she's doing this because of her response to strange men taking advantage of a situation. But once again, it places the focus on Stranger Danger because she makes no mention of having to fight off any guys she knew. That is really frustrating.

Only one person in the entire book represents the category of people who have been raped by people they know. One.

Regarding virginity: I get that this was published around 1999/2000, but this is and always has been a harmful concept that only ever applies to women when it comes to "being ruined" and "not having value." I grew up in a similar community, where my virginity was seen as a requirement while every boy or man around me could have slept around as much as humanly possible.

But again, rape happens to women who aren't -- according to whatever definition society uses -- virgins. Because of this simple fact, we are doubted. Police officers believe it acceptable to ask how many partners we've had, as if it means that forcible sex only happens to women who have had a magic number of zero partners. This is also why so many people still refuse to believe that sex workers can be raped, even though their work places them in situations where it is likely to happen (and we do nothing helpful to protect them at all or in any way; legislation is never made while consulting them, after all).

I would have appreciated a lot more discussion on how harmful this half of the virginity concept is. I liked the discussion about how Alice was creating her own definition, but I would have appreciated more detail about how this was clearly part of the problem (as it very clearly was for her, since it was repeated over and over).

Regarding Lila's experience: After my own experiences, I appreciated other survivors. I did not appreciate other survivors who, through their own actions, made themselves victims again through my experiences. I appreciated empathy and comfort, not someone who was forcing themselves into my life because they "wanted to be there because they knew exactly what I was going through." I know, she was young at the time; it's hard to recognise the difference between being empathetic/comforting and forcing yourself into someone's experiences because "you know better."

The problem is that, even when you know objectively how you felt during a similar situation, you need to empathise with their experience and feelings. You also need to accept that sometimes people disappear without ever saying a word; they do not owe you a meeting or an explanation, even if that's what you most desire.

The trial: I just didn't like having to read the entire transcript, but this was more likely done for the benefit of someone who has zero experience with this in any capacity. Perhaps it creates empathy from non-rape victims. For me, it was overkill because these were things I was already familiar with. In that way, I'm not the target audience for that section.