Polysecure

I can't think of a person who wouldn't benefit from reading this, and the vast majority of the people in my life are monogamous. The only reason I'm not buying it for them is that they don't think of themselves as poly and thus would likely not read it.

Don't make that mistake. 99% of this book is useful for everyone in a relationship. Almost all of her advice about supporting your poly partners is completely applicable for a monogamous partner. The wee bit that's about supporting your partner's relations with others is almost all applicable to a monogamous partner's relationship with friends.

This is not a self help book. It's more like advice from a helpful therapist on how to think about your relationships with others, and what Attachment Theory can tell us about what your partners(s) may be struggling with, or how you can best leverage what they have to offer you.

The chapters end with very practical / actionable questions for you to ask yourself and / or your partners that will help any relationship, even if you don't feel there's anything wrong with yours.

I love how Jessica points out to other resources, and how she stops to point out when certain types of relationship problems really need professional support.

🗒 I should note that the first section of the book is an overview of Attachment Theory. It's a bit dry and academic, but Attachment Theory is the foundational concept the rest of the book is based on. If you're already familiar with this you can skip it. If it's too dry for you, I'd recommend reading a quick overview of the different attachment styles online and then coming back and reading Jessica's more detailed info on the styles you and your partner(s) likely have.

👂 The audiobook is well done but the sound quality could be a little better because it's recorded by Jessica herself. On Audible - and presumably other platforms - the audiobook comes with a PDF version of the charts and such at no additional charge. You'll want this.

reviewer context: I'm poly, and have been in a couple poly relationships. I'm considering her advice through the filter of my lived experiences.

Probably the best book I’ve read on adult attachment theory so far and I would say this is a more universal read that the title might impress. Fern gives an astoundingly thorough, textured and accessible explanation of attachment styles, including societal and environmental influences, and gently side stepping the parent blame game. Fern also does an excellent job including connections vs attachments and secure base vs safe haven, breaking relation into chunks that you can then start to piece together for yourself. I think this book would be beneficial to anyone and everyone who wants to learn about attachment in adults, and how to nurture secure attachments with the people in their life, romantic/sexual or not. If I were to compare it to Attached (as many people do) I would say that this is a much more beautifully nuanced book that can give readers more practical tools to identify what is askew in their relationship(s) to resolve the issues. Attached does a better job exploring the impressive studies showing how secure and insecure attachments affect us. In this same vein it drives home that not every person is compatible because of how their attachment mechanisms function.

Much has changed in the understanding of attachment since I first read Siegel many years ago; much has also changed in the acceptance and understanding of ethical nonmonogamy in the last few decades. This book starts off strong by assuming an informed reader, giving brief background while focusing more on new perspectives. It remains strong all the way through, offering respectful and insightful takes on presence, communication, relationship safety -- what we all work on every day -- and providing useful ideas on ways to look at challenges. Well-written, engaging, and mature.

Four stars, adding a half because of the final section on secure attachment with Self, and rounding up to five because so much of it hit home so aptly. Much of this is material I know; but like all such, I just need to be reminded sometimes, or to see things a different way. And the clincher: I finished the book, and am writing this, one day after performing my every-year-or-two psychedelic tune-up, this time a solo ritual in the mountains with the intention (chosen months before even starting this book) of exploring my self-love. The final sections, which I read today, are giving me tools to work with.

Like many of us, I am a work in progress; it has taken me a lifetime to learn to love better, and I expect it will take the rest of my lifetime to continue learning and improving. Much like planting the proverbial tree, the best time for me to have had this book was thirty years ago, but the second best time is right now.

The authors spends a lot of time claiming to represent diverse perspectives in terms of sexuality and styles of non-monogamy (and patting herself on the back for it), but the book is very heteronormative and amatonormative.

The book really only resents the perspective of heterosexual, previously monogamous couples who have “opened up”. The author goes as far as to say that if you’re having relationship issues with your partner (read primary and previously monogamous), the only way to solve them is to drop all your other partners at least temporarily.

This book is great if you’re “opening” a monogamous relationship, otherwise it holds little value.